Ivarius Faldine
18 March 2007 @ 12:58 pm
A song helped me get through 2000. My entire life had been turned upside down, I was free and living with another person whom I thought very much of. I was slow in getting used to being able to go down to the shop with happy anonymity, that sweet lady behind the counter must have thought I was flirting with her. Oh no, I was flirting with that store and being able to walk to it all on my own whenever I wanted with no upturned noses or cold stares. My life underwent so many changes in that year.

Remus gave me a room with two windowed walls. At first, but just at first, I was afraid to go back to gardening. I had gardened for six years with no real break to speak of, it had categorized itself as lonely work in my mind. Homesickness found me in those first few weeks of setting up that room with the stone-tile floor and humidifiers. I set out seed trays and prayed they wouldn't regrow my loneliness into something I'd be unable to handle. One day I was sitting in there, on a stool, planting, and he brought me a radio. I had previously owned one that had needed some repairing, a small one that only worked if I kept the volume low. Now I had a new radio to play with.

As per typical me, I left it to sit there on its shelf for a full two weeks before turning it on. The dial slid and I found a blend of non-magical and magical stations alike. I wanted to try something new, my search didn't drive me to find a station for classical instrumentals. I stopped when it fixed on a station that came in well and left it. I went back to my planting.

"If I fall along the way
pick me up and dust me off
if I get too tired to make it
be my breath so I can walk

If I need some other love, then
give me more than I can stand
when my smile gets old and faded
wait around I'll smile again

I heard this song four or five times before it finally occurred to me to write it down. The style was distanced from what I normally enjoy, I'm sure the lyrics imply something entirely different from the meaning I took.

"Can you help me
I'm bent
I'm so scared that I'll never
Get put back together

One song helped me through all the changes I had to accept. My life was my own again, I had to work through seeing myself as something broken to something that could be fixed. I started singing along with this song when it came on in that grocery with the friendly lady behind the counter. She smiled at me and I know she thought I was mental but I was happy. My broken life was getting repaired and I wasn't doing it alone, someone was helping me.
Mood: cheerful
Ivarius Faldine
04 March 2007 @ 12:51 pm
A whim took me over to DeviantArt. Originally I thought to try and find more artwork by a specific artist, instead I found a work that looks as though I stood there and let myself be a painter's subject. I always had an odd curiosity about that; what it might be like to be painted. The Girl With A Pearl Earring captured my fascination for weeks. It's a little too late for that now, unless Lexi's grandparents want to go out of their way to have her painted. I could try to hang around in her eyes, perhaps. No one would be able to tell, but I don't mind. I'm happy enough, living with August and Crysania with my gardening and my music. I've lived twice, which I see as plenty.

Speaking of music and past lives, I uploaded Yağmurlar, by Şebnem Ferah. I never learned Turkish during either of my lives, and now I want to. My heart aches to know what she's saying, to understand how someone can sound so beautifully sad. She reminds me of the melancholy that settles on grey rainy days. Have you ever had one of those days? I've watched the water trickle down the pane and sent my mind thousands of miles from home. Gray skies, gray streets, the clipping of hooves on cobbled streets. Hello again, Louisiana, I miss your radiant springs but not your miasma of yellow fever.

Wales, I miss you too.

I'm not truly homesick. One day Lexi will be in England and we might be able to go look around Wales. I'd enjoy that. Louisiana will not look like it did a century ago; I don't want to go there. I'd miss the lanterns and the plantation homes for their familiarity. January wouldn't be there waiting for me. He wouldn't recognize me now, even if he were there. I don't miss the tuberculosis, oh no, and only on rare occasions do I miss the laudanum. Yesterday morning could have used a respite, at least. (I'm wistful, forgive me. I would not again take laudanum, I know how addictive it is. Pain has no hold on me here.) In sum, I miss familiarity. I knew my way around New Orleans, I played the violin and made enough to support my rent and keep laudanum in fairly decent supply. Living a second time with lycanthropy ruined what feelings I ever had of truly belonging anywhere for any great length of time. Remus changed that, for which I'm ever grateful.

It is enough to have a home now. I know my "who'swhat" and how to live peacefully with one of the most argumentative people yet alive. :)

p.s. yes I refer to August there.
Mood: pensive
Ivarius Faldine
06 February 2007 @ 12:47 pm
Losing electricity changes nothing in my life. I need no sheet music to find my way over the keys of a piano. The violin knows my fingers, and I daresay my fingers know the precision it takes to play. August's shelves of braille books have not packed themselves away to await the return of power. I'm not afraid to keep the fire burning; it's not hard to find more wood if it runs low.

The electricity to the house went out. I wouldn't have known if Mike hadn't made a noise. The things I do feel are linked to my life, my affections. Someone I was once close to asked Lexi if she wanted to keep contact. She planned on making a new name on the messengers. I ache for when I knew her closely. Losing contact would be holding my hands aloft over the keys mid-stanza. It hurts, I need a resolution. I want to finish this song, know I'll never play it exactly the same way again, and go on to a new one. What was is not what is.

No matter how well I learn my way around new places with no sight, these matters remain beyond my skill.
Ivarius Faldine
25 December 2006 @ 12:22 pm
A certain mage I live with has problems spinning around on his plate. I can't get into that, it's not my business to talk about. He's been worrying me with all of it. The only way to get anywhere with him is to keep after him with questions. If people don't ask, he doesn't answer. That's a logical way of dealing with people, but it makes for a lot of things he's not saying.

Ah, what do I know of it? Juhani (we all call him Ju, Jacqui even) solved the problem by suggesting we go watch House M.D. for an hour. He calmed down because he likes the show. I do too.

It's a doctor thing. I wonder if I ever truly left the profession? Just the other night I found myself dreaming about a patient I had in the early 90's... Never growing out of it, never leaving it behind.

Oh, I also wanted to give out a thanks to [profile] rhymer_713 for the music. I love it, it's a blend of the Celtic and Spanish. Good ears! I'll wear this music out before long.

...good Merlin, why am I so chirpy tonight?
Mood: happy
Ivarius Faldine
23 December 2006 @ 12:19 pm
Last night was chaotic. I won't say I didn't like it, that would be a lie. The marked difference was how comfortable it was. Normally I'm the last person willing to be involved in a party atmosphere.

I am shy.
I don't know how to dance.

Neither affliction mattered last night. August was in a good mood (admittedly, an intoxicated good mood), and people were happy. I was happy too.

Hello, pointless post. I feel ridiculous for having this typed. I was happy, I still am happy, and last night no one was sad. August had an interval of loneliness that he got rid of. He surprised me in the process of getting there, which I don't mind now. Surprises are not always bad things.

The surprise didn't involve me.

What should I do with the rest of my day? It's raining outside. I'm tired; I might curl up with a blanket on one of the window seats and sleep with the rain tapping away at the pane behind me. It's light enough that the rain casts shadows on the light the window brings down to the floor. I remember what that looks like. Remus doesn't think it's as beautiful as I do, and he can see it. My imagination might be running away with me here. Or Remus doesn't like rain. I'd choose the latter, he never liked rain.

I like rain. The rain helps life to grow, and makes the sunlight all the more beautiful when it returns.
Mood: content
Ivarius Faldine
18 December 2006 @ 12:14 pm
Heights have always frightened me. I don't like to be far away from the ground, and it doesn't matter what takes me up. Elevators scare me, ladders terrify me, fire escapes are the pinnacle of horror. I'd likely take my chances inside the burning building rather than climb out on a rickety metal attachment. My fear of these things didn't come with my blindness, I have always had them. When I was small I climbed trees, just never too high. I liked to read in trees, often squeezing my eyes shut for the descent and feeling around with my toes until I found the next branch down. Looking down from high places made my muscles weak, my vision blurry. I'd slip, and then cling on very tightly to whatever was keeping me in position and stay that way until someone came to look for me. There was one time when I spent an entire night clinging to a tree trunk, my right knee on a branch and the ground thirteen or fourteen feet below me.

An hour into the gray dawn and I gave up. I let go and didn't try to buffet my fall. Nothing could possibly be worse than clinging to the tree (life) another minute, another second.

The leaves rose up and caught me.

I woke up on my side without a single bruise.

"Hello, father." I said that. I knew then that my father's curse that my mother spoke of had fallen on me too. And I also concluded that a curse would not save my life, unless it were a truly devious curse with diabolically nefarious intent. Cold and tired with leaves stuck in my hair, I made my way home and told my mother I had fallen asleep in a stack of leaves and didn't plan on going to school until the following day. She let me have the gift of a day of rest not on a Sunday.

The leaves never rose to catch me in my dreams. I clung to the ladder, tipping slowly (so slowly) backwards, picking up speed and rushing down. Faster and faster, jolting awake when my back hit the ground. The feeling, over and over even after I woke up. Dora and Remus were there, Remus as he used to be. He'd wake me before I hit the ground. He knew when I clung I dreamed of being on the edge of a fall. Remus never shook me, he spoke to me until I fought my way out of the dreams. He did it again last night, and I never wanted him to leave. I wanted the life I knew back. That life is gone from me, swept away by time. I have Morgan now, my ever-patient grey cat. She curls next to me and no one else. If I must, I will talk to her. She purrs contentedly through all of my stories, my musings that I'd be better served by writing down. I could model myself after her, hopefully learning to land on my feet with more ease than I do now. My fears haunt me, leaving me wanting to return to what I knew when I no longer can. The past is sealed, I have to continue forward from here.
Mood: melancholy