Ivarius Faldine
10 March 2007 @ 04:12 pm
Portland's hosting a flower show tomorrow. I truly wish I could go, and I also wish I could go as myself with all the knowledge and papers I had while I was living in Wales. Gardeners are a tetchy group; if you don't have proof of your experience (Master Gardener certificate here in America) they won't pay too much attention to you. If you do have certification, they'll give you their interest until you say you've done something they've failed to do. In a way, gardeners are like collectors with a ware of knowledge around how to properly care for their creations. At one point during my life, I would have been able to trade off experience with the best of them. Sadly that knowledge doesn't hold over to this side, and I do miss it on a fairly frequent basis. At least it is enough that I may garden on the inside with August's full blessing to manage his plants.

A few people have sent me some absolutely lovely music, and I'd like to thank them. I'll soon wear it out with how often I listen to it. It keeps a sometimes lonely and reminiscent ghost company through the night.

Our English teacher has been giving class assignments circling the Arthurian legends. I love it, I love reading them all again. I read them twice before, once during the 1800's and again in the 1990's. The tales are always changing, editions are updated and revised, wandering farther and farther from what once might have been to the legend it is today. I love to pay attention to the discussions, to throw in my comments when people are getting carried away with the Welsh Dragon (my country's flag standard); Dragons are all well in good, but do keep in mind that the country's plant is a leek. Leeks! Ah, people. At least the discussion about the Family Tomb of Jesus was interesting. Jay immediately (and somewhat predictably) burst out with how it couldn't be real, he wouldn't believe it because you can't test the DNA and Jesus rose to heaven spiritually and physically. (Just for the sake of clarification, Jay's a physical person and not someone living hereabouts with me.)

I can't help but wonder if Jay's faith would be shaken if solid proof could be formulated. If the Christ did not rise to heaven, would he cease to believe a wonderful man once walked this Earth trying to spread kindness and understanding of a monotheistic God? I should know by now that it is not enough for people to believe in a truly good person trying to help others. I honestly should know that some extraordinary thing must happen in order to inspire any sort of faith in the minds of the general population. Anyone can be nice, how hard is that? It's another thing to raise baskets to the sky and receive food in response to prayer. Clearly my faith is of a different nature than most would consider valid.
Ivarius Faldine
04 March 2007 @ 12:51 pm
A whim took me over to DeviantArt. Originally I thought to try and find more artwork by a specific artist, instead I found a work that looks as though I stood there and let myself be a painter's subject. I always had an odd curiosity about that; what it might be like to be painted. The Girl With A Pearl Earring captured my fascination for weeks. It's a little too late for that now, unless Lexi's grandparents want to go out of their way to have her painted. I could try to hang around in her eyes, perhaps. No one would be able to tell, but I don't mind. I'm happy enough, living with August and Crysania with my gardening and my music. I've lived twice, which I see as plenty.

Speaking of music and past lives, I uploaded Yağmurlar, by Şebnem Ferah. I never learned Turkish during either of my lives, and now I want to. My heart aches to know what she's saying, to understand how someone can sound so beautifully sad. She reminds me of the melancholy that settles on grey rainy days. Have you ever had one of those days? I've watched the water trickle down the pane and sent my mind thousands of miles from home. Gray skies, gray streets, the clipping of hooves on cobbled streets. Hello again, Louisiana, I miss your radiant springs but not your miasma of yellow fever.

Wales, I miss you too.

I'm not truly homesick. One day Lexi will be in England and we might be able to go look around Wales. I'd enjoy that. Louisiana will not look like it did a century ago; I don't want to go there. I'd miss the lanterns and the plantation homes for their familiarity. January wouldn't be there waiting for me. He wouldn't recognize me now, even if he were there. I don't miss the tuberculosis, oh no, and only on rare occasions do I miss the laudanum. Yesterday morning could have used a respite, at least. (I'm wistful, forgive me. I would not again take laudanum, I know how addictive it is. Pain has no hold on me here.) In sum, I miss familiarity. I knew my way around New Orleans, I played the violin and made enough to support my rent and keep laudanum in fairly decent supply. Living a second time with lycanthropy ruined what feelings I ever had of truly belonging anywhere for any great length of time. Remus changed that, for which I'm ever grateful.

It is enough to have a home now. I know my "who'swhat" and how to live peacefully with one of the most argumentative people yet alive. :)

p.s. yes I refer to August there.
Mood: pensive
Ivarius Faldine
06 February 2007 @ 12:47 pm
Losing electricity changes nothing in my life. I need no sheet music to find my way over the keys of a piano. The violin knows my fingers, and I daresay my fingers know the precision it takes to play. August's shelves of braille books have not packed themselves away to await the return of power. I'm not afraid to keep the fire burning; it's not hard to find more wood if it runs low.

The electricity to the house went out. I wouldn't have known if Mike hadn't made a noise. The things I do feel are linked to my life, my affections. Someone I was once close to asked Lexi if she wanted to keep contact. She planned on making a new name on the messengers. I ache for when I knew her closely. Losing contact would be holding my hands aloft over the keys mid-stanza. It hurts, I need a resolution. I want to finish this song, know I'll never play it exactly the same way again, and go on to a new one. What was is not what is.

No matter how well I learn my way around new places with no sight, these matters remain beyond my skill.
Ivarius Faldine
04 February 2007 @ 12:43 pm
Remus and August made spaghetti last night. I'm eating it cold for breakfast. It's no small challenge to get Remus to eat, and I fear I was horrible about it years ago. Getting me to eat was a task not for the faint of heart. I rarely felt hunger or the desire to eat while I was lived. Remus shared that with me, and I won't have any of the assumptions people usually generate on learning that we're both werewolves. I've seen many of my kind dig in with every intent of returning for seconds.

Mf. I'm rambling here. My mind doesn't wake up until noon! Have mercy!

August and I spoke of day to day events. I told him I was worried about his skiing hobby. He reminded me that, while he may very well be a daredevil, that he's not unintelligent about it. Lexi's not either; I just worry about standing on two slats of wood and flying down a mountain at forty miles per hour. August puts the snow machines behind him when he skis.

I wasn't gutsy enough to try such sports when I was alive. I'm a musician, a healer, and meddle in language studies. That's all I do am.

...through all that, I don't know why anyone would take my advice seriously.
Ivarius Faldine
18 January 2007 @ 12:36 pm
Going out yesterday morning made me aware of my sensitivity to blinking lights. I think it was the combination of the car, the speed, and the trees. The whole affair managed to expose me to bright sunlight flickering away at my face. I found myself shifting around, trying to get away from the feeling. Lexi wasn't bothered, just me. She turned the visor to the side to spare me a headache. I must have fallen asleep because the next thing I remember involves August being furious and wanting myself, Dalamar, and Crysania out of his tower. Such an event isn't so very out-of-the-ordinary for him, he's even more reclusive than I am. Someone must have poked his shoulder; he hates it when people poke him. ;) And I should amend that. I'm not reclusive by choice. My shyness rather defeats my ability to strike up active conversation with people. August tells me I have other ways of saying what needs to be said. Hopefully he'll enlighten me on that one.

GreatestJournal has not turned up another likely roleplay that I might enjoy. My mind stuck to the idea among_us offered. I liked the idea of living amongst ordinary people and writing about day to day events in a slice of life sort of way. I think I'd like to work with a seeing eye dog and to once again play with an orchestra. Lexi's tapping away at my head because someone mentioned a possibility of that.

I've uploaded a song to Remus's Vox. It's lovely, but I keep finding myself drawn back to the Vanessa Mae videos on youtube. Here's a few of them. Read more... )
Mood: thoughtful
Ivarius Faldine
11 January 2007 @ 12:32 pm
One fantasy series will always hold my affection: Narnia. My mother gave them to me when I had a chest cold and was confined to bed. I've adored them and C. S. Lewis from that point on.

"Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: What! You too? I thought I was the only one!"
~C. S. Lewis

I didn't make lasting friendships when I attended school. They whispered that I was too absent-minded, too this, too that, too something. I didn't make friends until I left secondary school; lost those friends in the matter of a week...

I'm finding friends again. They're online, of course. I wouldn't know what to talk about with Lexi's friends, if I did manage to talk to them. Toby likes cars; I know nothing on the subject. Cruts likes to make movies with Chris, Freeman. I suppose I could talk to Freeman. He keeps animals; that's a topic I wouldn't get lost on. Overall, however; my prospects of finding people to talk to are slim when confined to Lexi's social life. Toby's the only one in the light (per say) about the soulbonding/plurality...

Wait. I'm fiction now. Does that make me fictionkin? Good Lord, all of these definitions! I don't know who or what I am without adding all of this complication to it!
Mood: content
Ivarius Faldine
09 January 2007 @ 12:29 pm
Dancing has taken over my life. I feel like I'm taking soft steps through the morning without ever brushing to a barre. The scent of coffee wafts out from the kitchen and caffeine gives me my frappé work for the day. Sunlight runs in through the windows, shafts of brightness in the opaque. I can't see, and I never needed sight to feel.

August has no routine he follows. I do my best to avoid him in the morning, lest I inadvertently upset him with my presence. He is not the most agreeable person prior to having coffee. That too changes. I never can truly predict him, same as I fail to foresee what the day will bring. Obstacles find me, or others, and I step silently for fear of upsetting them with unnecessary sound. Too often I think my presence is not a welcome thing here.

My presence is a complication. I walk on ropes not for fear of falling, no. What I fear is more than that. I fear that I'll tip a balance and ruin something beautiful. I feel that if I do not step carefully, do not watch what I say with utmost care, I'll break something that has no right to be broken.

Not by me.

Not now.
Mood: anxious
Ivarius Faldine
05 January 2007 @ 12:27 pm
A tortured slip of my romantic nature continues trying to crawl back to the people and life I can no longer have.

There goes the downpour
There goes my fare thee well

There's really no way to reach me
'Cause I'm already gone

There's so many words that we can say
Spoken upon long-distance melody
This is my hello
This is my goodness

There's really no way to reach me
There's really no way to reach me

Vienna, by The Fray.

I have a fever.
Mood: weary
Ivarius Faldine
01 January 2007 @ 12:25 pm
A flying Beanie-shaped object woke me up at midnight to hug me and wish me a happy New Year. I wished her one as well.

So, Happy New Year to all of you also!
Mood: awake
Ivarius Faldine
25 December 2006 @ 12:22 pm
A certain mage I live with has problems spinning around on his plate. I can't get into that, it's not my business to talk about. He's been worrying me with all of it. The only way to get anywhere with him is to keep after him with questions. If people don't ask, he doesn't answer. That's a logical way of dealing with people, but it makes for a lot of things he's not saying.

Ah, what do I know of it? Juhani (we all call him Ju, Jacqui even) solved the problem by suggesting we go watch House M.D. for an hour. He calmed down because he likes the show. I do too.

It's a doctor thing. I wonder if I ever truly left the profession? Just the other night I found myself dreaming about a patient I had in the early 90's... Never growing out of it, never leaving it behind.

Oh, I also wanted to give out a thanks to [profile] rhymer_713 for the music. I love it, it's a blend of the Celtic and Spanish. Good ears! I'll wear this music out before long.

...good Merlin, why am I so chirpy tonight?
Mood: happy
Ivarius Faldine
23 December 2006 @ 12:19 pm
Last night was chaotic. I won't say I didn't like it, that would be a lie. The marked difference was how comfortable it was. Normally I'm the last person willing to be involved in a party atmosphere.

I am shy.
I don't know how to dance.

Neither affliction mattered last night. August was in a good mood (admittedly, an intoxicated good mood), and people were happy. I was happy too.

Hello, pointless post. I feel ridiculous for having this typed. I was happy, I still am happy, and last night no one was sad. August had an interval of loneliness that he got rid of. He surprised me in the process of getting there, which I don't mind now. Surprises are not always bad things.

The surprise didn't involve me.

What should I do with the rest of my day? It's raining outside. I'm tired; I might curl up with a blanket on one of the window seats and sleep with the rain tapping away at the pane behind me. It's light enough that the rain casts shadows on the light the window brings down to the floor. I remember what that looks like. Remus doesn't think it's as beautiful as I do, and he can see it. My imagination might be running away with me here. Or Remus doesn't like rain. I'd choose the latter, he never liked rain.

I like rain. The rain helps life to grow, and makes the sunlight all the more beautiful when it returns.
Mood: content
Ivarius Faldine
21 December 2006 @ 04:04 pm
Yesterday I smelled cloves and trust me, it's not a smell a person expects to pick out during the course of a school day. Cloves are a distinctive smell, like cinnamon and hard to miss. Curiosity between myself and August resulted in following the smell all the way to the LC to see what was happening.

The story behind the smell was this: two students had irritated Mrs. Crawford with their chattering, leaving her no choice but to give them oranges, pointy sticks, and clove buds.

The punishment was to make these! )
Mood: amused
Ivarius Faldine
18 December 2006 @ 12:14 pm
Heights have always frightened me. I don't like to be far away from the ground, and it doesn't matter what takes me up. Elevators scare me, ladders terrify me, fire escapes are the pinnacle of horror. I'd likely take my chances inside the burning building rather than climb out on a rickety metal attachment. My fear of these things didn't come with my blindness, I have always had them. When I was small I climbed trees, just never too high. I liked to read in trees, often squeezing my eyes shut for the descent and feeling around with my toes until I found the next branch down. Looking down from high places made my muscles weak, my vision blurry. I'd slip, and then cling on very tightly to whatever was keeping me in position and stay that way until someone came to look for me. There was one time when I spent an entire night clinging to a tree trunk, my right knee on a branch and the ground thirteen or fourteen feet below me.

An hour into the gray dawn and I gave up. I let go and didn't try to buffet my fall. Nothing could possibly be worse than clinging to the tree (life) another minute, another second.

The leaves rose up and caught me.

I woke up on my side without a single bruise.

"Hello, father." I said that. I knew then that my father's curse that my mother spoke of had fallen on me too. And I also concluded that a curse would not save my life, unless it were a truly devious curse with diabolically nefarious intent. Cold and tired with leaves stuck in my hair, I made my way home and told my mother I had fallen asleep in a stack of leaves and didn't plan on going to school until the following day. She let me have the gift of a day of rest not on a Sunday.

The leaves never rose to catch me in my dreams. I clung to the ladder, tipping slowly (so slowly) backwards, picking up speed and rushing down. Faster and faster, jolting awake when my back hit the ground. The feeling, over and over even after I woke up. Dora and Remus were there, Remus as he used to be. He'd wake me before I hit the ground. He knew when I clung I dreamed of being on the edge of a fall. Remus never shook me, he spoke to me until I fought my way out of the dreams. He did it again last night, and I never wanted him to leave. I wanted the life I knew back. That life is gone from me, swept away by time. I have Morgan now, my ever-patient grey cat. She curls next to me and no one else. If I must, I will talk to her. She purrs contentedly through all of my stories, my musings that I'd be better served by writing down. I could model myself after her, hopefully learning to land on my feet with more ease than I do now. My fears haunt me, leaving me wanting to return to what I knew when I no longer can. The past is sealed, I have to continue forward from here.
Mood: melancholy
Ivarius Faldine
13 December 2006 @ 12:09 pm
I may add [profile] rhymer_713 out of curiosity. I'm interested to know what it's like to live with blindness in this world. I was not blind in the time before I was here, not until the very end. Lexi is not blind herself, which means I'm able to see when I'm close to the front. That's how I read, unless Remus is reading to us. I do prefer when Remus reads.

The only time I am truly blind is when I am away from the front. It is not always a deep impenetrable gray, I've had it lighten to seeing in grey-scale. The grey-scale never lasts for very long; I'm often plunged back to impenetrable shadow. My other senses are strong to balance my lack of vision. I can hear and smell acutely, and if I am careful I rarely bump people or other objects.

And I have my memories. I dream often of places I lived in, the sun and surrounding landscape. My inability to see does not sadden me all that much. It makes me nervous when I'm in unfamiliar places and require a walking stick and someone to direct me, but rarely at any other time.

When Misha was young his family went to their dacha every summer, and he and his father would take the nets down from the attic and try to catch the migrating butterflies that filled the air. The old house was filled with his grandmother's china that really came from China, and the framed butterflies three generations of Shklovskys had caught as boys. Over time their scales fell away, and if you ran barefoot through the house the china would rattle and your feet would pick up wing dust.
-The History of Love, by Nicole Krauss
Mood: thoughtful
Ivarius Faldine
06 December 2006 @ 12:01 pm
I believe I had a starving artist complex. I grew plants for a select few, knowing they'd understand the love I put into it. I've gone to great lengths (such as sitting out in the pouring rain to keep the torrent from damaging some of the more delicate species) to nurture and protect those plants.

All of that feels like a very long time ago, now that I think of it.

A work of love. I never did well in school, would you believe? My mind didn't want to focus. I could easily grasp course material and that must have been my academic downfall. It took me a long time to be able to pass the examinations that allowed me to obtain a medical degree, studying was something I had never fully applied myself to. A trial of love, I believe you'd term that.

It's no real truth to say that having the syringe in one's hand is far less frightening than trusting someone else with it. The reversal of roles frightened me.

My mind is wandering all over tonight. I think I'll leave this be until I have a better grasp on what I wish to say, exactly.

I have a favourite song, seemingly. Whenever it plays the others will say "Ivy's song." If you like and want the album, it's here. The Fray - How to Save a Life
Music: How to Save a Life by The Fray
Ivarius Faldine
29 November 2006 @ 12:00 pm
I told myself I was done with this crying. My promises never seem to follow me into sleep.
Mood: sad
Ivarius Faldine
26 November 2006 @ 11:49 am
Have you ever been afraid of falling asleep because you're afraid you won't wake up?

That's not right. I'll wake up. I worry about falling asleep and not waking up in the same place.

Dante Quiz. )
Mood: uncomfortable
Ivarius Faldine
21 November 2006 @ 11:47 am
Mystic Theurge
14% Combativeness, 30% Sneakiness, 61% Intellect, 52% Spirituality
Brilliant and spiritual! You are a Mystic Theurge!
Score! You have a prestige class. A prestige class can only be taken after you’ve fulfilled certain requirements. This may mean that you’re an exceptionally talented person, but it probably doesn't.
The Mystic Theurge is a combination of a cleric and a mage. They can cast both arcane and divine spells, and are good at both, making them pretty terrifying on the battlefield. They have more raw spellpower than just about any other class.
You're both intelligent and faithful, but not violent or deceitful. I guess that makes you a pretty good person.

My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:

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You scored higher than 99% on Combativeness

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You scored higher than 99% on Sneakiness

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You scored higher than 99% on Intellect

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You scored higher than 99% on Spirituality
Link: The RPG Class Test written by MFlowers on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the The Dating Persona Test
Ivarius Faldine
17 November 2006 @ 11:43 am

You are The Lovers

Motive, power, and action, arising from Inspiration and Impulse.

The Lovers represents intuition and inspiration. Very often a choice needs to be made.

Originally, this card was called just LOVE. And that's actually more apt than "Lovers." Love follows in this sequence of growth and maturity. And, coming after the Emperor, who is about control, it is a radical change in perspective. LOVE is a force that makes you choose and decide for reasons you often can't understand; it makes you surrender control to a higher power. And that is what this card is all about. Finding something or someone who is so much a part of yourself, so perfectly attuned to you and you to them, that you cannot, dare not resist. This card indicates that the you have or will come across a person, career, challenge or thing that you will fall in love with. You will know instinctively that you must have this, even if it means diverging from your chosen path. No matter the difficulties, without it you will never be complete.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

Mood: curious
Ivarius Faldine
12 November 2006 @ 11:34 am
Each player of this game starts off with 10 weird things/habits/little known facts about themselves. People tagged need to write an entry detailing their own 10 weird habits/things/little known facts as well as state this rule clearly. At the end you need to choose 6 people to be tagged and list their names. No tagbacks.

1. I was born in Ireland during the summer of 1798. I was born, again, in 1974.

2. Climbing trees used to be one of my favourite pastimes. My friends found it uncomfortable to sit still in tree branches for long, but not me! I'd take a book and read up there with the leaves and birds for hours.

3. Ivarius Faldine is not my real name. Gray is not my real name either.

4. I'm not alive in the way many people think of the word. To be contrary, I'm not dead in the way many people think of the word. Spirit is, perhaps, the best description of what I am.

5. Almonds are love, chocolate covered almonds specifically. (Call me dead?) I could munch on those all day long.

6. My fingers have callouses from long hours spent at the violin and piano.

7. Sometimes my hair is black and peppered with grey. At other times it is white blond.

8. I prefer the violin over the viola; my mother often played the viola terribly to let my father know she was upset with him. Her room shared a wall with mine and my ears have never recovered. Ignoring my dear mother, I do like Riverdance music.

9. I was, am, and will ever be a herbalist. My current goal is to infuse my interest into the rest of the people I'm living with.

10. I'm blind, however; I haven't been blind all my life.

Tagging whoever would like to do this. :)
Mood: calm