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Ivarius Faldine ([personal profile] climbingivy) wrote2007-03-18 12:58 pm

Learning to accept change, live, and love

A song helped me get through 2000. My entire life had been turned upside down, I was free and living with another person whom I thought very much of. I was slow in getting used to being able to go down to the shop with happy anonymity, that sweet lady behind the counter must have thought I was flirting with her. Oh no, I was flirting with that store and being able to walk to it all on my own whenever I wanted with no upturned noses or cold stares. My life underwent so many changes in that year.

Remus gave me a room with two windowed walls. At first, but just at first, I was afraid to go back to gardening. I had gardened for six years with no real break to speak of, it had categorized itself as lonely work in my mind. Homesickness found me in those first few weeks of setting up that room with the stone-tile floor and humidifiers. I set out seed trays and prayed they wouldn't regrow my loneliness into something I'd be unable to handle. One day I was sitting in there, on a stool, planting, and he brought me a radio. I had previously owned one that had needed some repairing, a small one that only worked if I kept the volume low. Now I had a new radio to play with.

As per typical me, I left it to sit there on its shelf for a full two weeks before turning it on. The dial slid and I found a blend of non-magical and magical stations alike. I wanted to try something new, my search didn't drive me to find a station for classical instrumentals. I stopped when it fixed on a station that came in well and left it. I went back to my planting.

"If I fall along the way
pick me up and dust me off
if I get too tired to make it
be my breath so I can walk

If I need some other love, then
give me more than I can stand
when my smile gets old and faded
wait around I'll smile again

I heard this song four or five times before it finally occurred to me to write it down. The style was distanced from what I normally enjoy, I'm sure the lyrics imply something entirely different from the meaning I took.

"Can you help me
I'm bent
I'm so scared that I'll never
Get put back together

One song helped me through all the changes I had to accept. My life was my own again, I had to work through seeing myself as something broken to something that could be fixed. I started singing along with this song when it came on in that grocery with the friendly lady behind the counter. She smiled at me and I know she thought I was mental but I was happy. My broken life was getting repaired and I wasn't doing it alone, someone was helping me.